What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 00:25
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But ive been too sick for many years..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Why do older men like to get anal sex?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My life is so biszare .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
This is soul school!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
As a guy, how do you know you if you are considered attractive?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She loved him until the end.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I think the readers, may guess!
Is love natural, or is it somehow created?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
So, i spoilt her more .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Who then, do I blame.?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Put me off passion for life!!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
All the time i was locked up.
She was in good health!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She found it foreign!.
I will be 64.
We all went to grammer schools
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I write beautiful poetry .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was very sick at this time too.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My family never makes their pension either.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
What did i know ?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I waited trembling.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Why did i forgive my father ?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As i do to all so called friends.?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He resisted the act ,that day.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And i lived it daily.
We were not on the streets..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was scared of men, in general
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She wouldn,t have been !
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was 9 years of age.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im still living with it.
I don,t even have a pension.
I said to her
Ive learnt so much.
He knew the spot.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Would this be the day?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Comes on , in middle age.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
(And it was in our own minds.)
One cannot live in the past .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
It was going to be , some day.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
So whats the point in blame.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But it wasn’t much.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was seconnd youngest,
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But, we were locked up after school.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She married twice! .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I have no regrets .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
When she asked me how she looked .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Especially a lifetime of it.